THWACK! I catch a whiff of the pine board I just broke with my bare hand and see small splinters splayed out on the stage. No matter how many times I’ve broken a 1-inch board, the effortless feeling of going through a board “like a hot knife through butter” never ceases to amaze me. Breaking a 1-inch pine board with your bare hand is not an easy feat—the thought of trying to do it can cause disbelief, trepidation, and anxiety. However, it can also symbolize an ability to break thru fears that hold you back and take away your power. To break a board, you must have an unshakeable belief in yourself—a capacity to quiet the negative messages in your head, suspend doubt, and know that you can do it.
What ‘boards’ or fears do you hold on to that have limited you, minimized your power, and curtailed your potential? We all have ‘boards’ in our lives, but it is the choices we make around those ‘boards’ that either diminish or expand our potential.
For most of my early adulthood, my biggest ‘board’ was not believing in myself—a feeling as if I was not enough. I lacked a voice, a sense of power, and self-worth. Others had power, not me. I remember being in one of my first long-term relationships and needing constant reminders of their feelings for me and praise of how I looked. I’d change what I said, did, and wore to sustain this praise and, overtime, my need for it drained the life out of the relationship—I didn’t know how to be myself for fear that I wasn’t a good enough girlfriend. I remember being in graduate seminar classes and not sharing my well-prepared notes during discussions because I believed everyone else was smarter and more insightful than myself. I brought this fear into my writing and stymied my ideas because I felt I was not a good enough researcher, writer or grad student. I had let this “board” of not believing in myself give my power over others to define my sense of self and diminish my potential.
To mask this thin veneer of self-worth, I created a strong professional world in mind and body. Academically, I earned my Ph.D. in Comparative Education from the University of Chicago and researched gender-based violence in Kenyan girls’ schooling—presenting my findings at national conferences, teaching on issues of gender, society, and education at the university, and publishing an academic book. Physically, I obtained a 3rd degree black belt in Seido Karate, became a nationally certified instructor in women’s empowerment-based self-defense, and a Directory of Violence Prevention programs—teaching programs throughout the city of Chicago, presenting at national conferences on issues of empowerment-based self-defense, and helping individuals stand up for themselves. However, while I appeared strong, in charge, and empowered on the outside, I still felt not enough on the inside.
This all started to change in 1997 when I was confronted with breaking my initial pine board. I was at my first self-defense instructors training retreat and breaking boards was the final workshop—creating a great deal of anticipatory anxiety for me throughout the weekend. I remember the dread of unsuccessfully striking the board several times with a front kick; the abject fear when my coach suggested I use the palm heel of my hand instead to strike; and the power when I quieted my mind, suspended doubt, and broke the board with ease—or “like butter” as they say. Most importantly, I learned in that moment the necessity of getting out of my head and into my heart. I began to grasp how, in giving my power over to others, I disconnected my mind from my body.
I had always been more comfortable living in either my academic world of graduate school or the physical world of martial arts and self-defense training. It was as if I lived two separate lives, strong in both, but fearful of bringing the two together wherein I would have to feel and accept my power within. I let those fears determine my rigid routines, safe job choices, and unhealthy relationships—keeping my belief in myself at bay. Facing that board, I realized I wasn’t going to break it unless I connected mind and body—connecting my two worlds. I had to dig deep, break thru my fears, and believe that I could do it.
My fears will always crop up in my life, but I have choices now to expand, rather than let those fears diminish my potential. Since that first board break, I have continued to break boards—sometimes failing and more times succeeding—ever aware that I can do it. I sustained this belief in myself and have effectively brought my two worlds together to create my company Breaking Thru Barriers (BtB). Through BtB’s presentations and trainings, I now help others break free of their limiting beliefs, create synergies between their minds and bodies, and empower the changes they need to fulfill their potential. Through this work, I now know I am enough and continue to help others realize they are enough too. Thwack!
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