I often share a story when I’m speaking of a time I had to cry. I was humiliated, disappointed and frustrated. Tears were my only release. I went into a ladies’ room by myself and made sure that no one was around. I sobbed my heart out. After crying, I reminded myself that I was a leader, and I was going to go out there and lead, and no one would ever guess that I was boo-hooing. I looked up at the ceiling, put on the biggest smile, lowered my head and saw that confident leader looking back at me in the mirror. I held my smile, stretching the cheek and eye muscles and the puffiness and redness faded away. Many women told me afterwards that they were able to relate to me because I admitted to crying. Most of us have had to cry at one time or another in the workplace.
There are appropriate times to cry – when you have suffered a personal loss like death or divorce. When I lost an election, many of the younger members of the campaign cried. It touched my heart. It showed such concern. (I chose not to show my disappointment because I knew that I had to be a good sport and lose gracefully. I cried the next day at home with my family hugging me.)
There are definitely times where crying is taboo: in a public meeting, during times of work stress over a deadline, coworker disagreement, or during a performance evaluation. Crying during these situations is considered unprofessional and often manipulative.
Men see women who cry in the office as sob sisters – weak, undisciplined, and emotionally out of control. Actually, there is a scientific reason why men can’t stand crying. Researchers at The Weizmann Institute of Science discovered that when women cry, men’s testosterone levels drop significantly. Multiple experiments showed that just the smell of a woman’s tears caused a dip in testosterone. Therefore, when a woman cries in the presence of a male colleague, his testosterone decreases, causing feelings of failure. Women see other women who cry as undermining the professionalism of the gender.
Tears are better than sobs. Two Penn State researchers studied gender and perceptions of crying in adults. Stephanie Shields, professor of psychology and women’s studies, and doctoral candidate Leah Warner observed that how the crier sheds tears affects perception. A woman shaking with sobs won’t be regarded as well as one whose eyes are shiny with tears that never quite spill over. Tearing up is viewed as strong emotion kept under control and, according to Shields and Warner, is regarded more favorably than outright crying. However, men who only teared up were seen in a more positive light than women who teared up. (How unfair! Makes you want to cry…)
How to prevent crying.
You’re at the office, you’ve been blamed for a big mistake and you feel the tears welling. To prevent crying, you need to get the logical side of your brain to overrule the emotional side. Try these:
- Look up, take a deep breath, slowly breathe in, and lower your head. This physical act raises the eyes to the heavens, which has several positive side effects: (1) it gives you something to think about besides crying, (2) it releases the muscular tension in your chest and throat area, (3) it lets the tears drain back in your eyes (no smeared mascara), and (4) you give the impression of being in the middle intellectual contemplation.
- Count to 50 backwards. Then, if you must, do it forward.
- Quickly spell a word in your head. Choose one like umbrella or superfluous, spell it, and then continue your argument or discussion.
- If possible, sip something. It’s very difficult to cry and drink at the same time.
- Jut out your jaw. According to Philadelphia psychotherapist Larina Kase, “There is some evidence pushing your jaw forward interferes with the tearful response.”
- If you can get away with it, chew gum. “It’s physiologically quite difficult to cry when you are chewing something,” Larina Kase says.
- If you are by yourself, do something physical, such as climbing stairs or push-ups against the wall of your office. “This will burn off stress hormones and raise endorphin levels,” says Debbie Mandel, a stress management expert, author and radio host in Lawrence, N.Y.
As leaders, we need to choose how to respond rather than reacting in the moment without control. Train yourself, so you’re not caught off guard.
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